Toilet Training the Pups

 

Coyote had to train the family. It was going to be harder

than he thought. Two of the pups had inherited their mother’s ability

to form masks almost automatically, wherever they were.

Coyote could not do that, so his envy was tempered by fear.

And, the others seemed comfortable with his old rubber

human masks. So, after he showed them to always piss down wind,

and away from the den, then he had to show them how to do the same

things as humans.

 

“First of all kids, you cannot piss anywhere; you have to travel

to a special room.”

“Is that because it’s so valuable?” asked Topkan.

“No, just the opposite? Humans try to be anonymous, shit-wise.”

“Then how do they communicate?” asked Xegwe.

“Yea, how do they tell who is sick or where they are going?” added

Napptym.

“It’s all noise. They talk and honk.” explained Coyote,

“Now, pay attention: In human shape, you find these rooms, usually

white and down long hallways—”

“What’s a hallway?” asked Zora, the slow one.

“You didn’t listen yesterday, did you?”

“Huh-uh.”

“Okay, hallways are closed trails between dens. Now, once you find

this room, you have to take off your clothing and sit on a hollow stone.

Then poop. Then clean yourself with paper—”

“Where does that come from?” asked Skhelep, the most like Coyote.

“Let’s take a field trip.” Coyote suggested, leading the pups into town.

 

Later, in the Uniontown Mall.

“Okay, Skhelep, good. Now put the paper in the hole,

or in that other hole over—No!” screamed Coyote.

“What’s wrong?”

“You wiped your nose with it afterwards. It’s on your nose.”
“So, I can lick it off.”

“What do we do with the clothes? Put them in a hole?” Xegwe asked.

“No, back on. You can’t go naked.”
“But, how will others know if we are interested in them,

I mean, really interested?” Topkan asked.

“Noise again.”

“So, we have to hide our fur under artificial fur?”

“Yes. Now, you have to water your dung.”

“But, I already watered it!”

“No, with clean water from the other hole. Press that metal thing.”

“Can I drink it first?”

“No, there are separate places to drink.”

“It’s called input and output, dad,” Skhelep suggested.

“Yes, well, in general, yes.”

“Can we sleep there?”

“No, has to be that other den, where you keep your human clothes.

And, you can’t just eat anywhere either, only in special rooms.”

“You mean we have to kill a mouse and carry it to another room?”

“No, you cannot kill mice at all in human form. You have to let others

kill the mice and bring them—”

“To us?”

“No, to a special room for fixing. Then you buy them there—”

“With what?”

“Good question. With a special kind of dung, or symbol. Say you take

a stick over—the stick represents old food, no, I mean, any food.”

Coyote seriously wondered how humans trained their young.

“Okay, we can’t communicate with scent. How do we?” asked Xegwe.

“Just low growling, using words.”

“No howling?”

“No, never, unless you are in pain. It upsets people and scares them.”

“So, it’s not like that horn thing you mentioned.”

“No, only machines are allowed to be loud.”

 

Back home, Coyote continued his instruction.

Coyote wanted the pups to have fun as they grew up, so he took

it upon himself to teach them how to hunt and then

how to eat. “Don’t not play with your food! Com’on, play.

Throw it in the air and push it in the dirt.”

The pups were sitting and eating politely.

“Hey, stop that! Chew with your mouth open. And, you, leave more

food on your plate. There are starving crows that need to eat also; leave

them something.”

“Is that why they always come late to dinner?”

“Yes, dear, it’s just good manners,” added Wakanda, quite happy

with Coyote’s work.

 

That night Coyote put the pups to bed. “What is that?” Coyote asked

suspiciously.

Topkan rolled over on some crinkly papers.

Coyote nosed him over and pulled out a yellow paper

that said ‘McDucks.’ “How did, where did you get this?”

“I bought it dad. Some of us went on a field trip.

It was really good. Can we go back soon, huh? Huh?”

Four of the other

pups woke up and repeated the refrain, “Huh? Huh?”

“We want happy meals at the happiest place on earth!”

Topkan shouted.

Coyote wondered if brand loyalty began at two

months. These little monsters were insistent.

But, Coyote was prouder of these pups than any he had before.

He even put a bumpersticker on his stolen mustang:

“My cub is a star predator at Grassland Elementary School”

Close enough, though he was mildly surprised that none

of the stickers were printed for pups.

Now, they wanted to join something called ‘Pupscouts.’